Packer Joke Thread (For Raptorman)

Cheesy topics (like the Cheese Curds thread) go here. Topics that aren't football related will be moved here as well.

Mmmm.... cheese.

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Postby raptorman » Sun Apr 22, 2012 4:50 am

As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,
so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods I got lost , and maybe it's a man thing,
but I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone.
There were only the diggers and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the grave and looked down.
The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and gathered around. I played out my heart and soul
for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before
for this homeless man.

As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low,
my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....
If a 7 course meal includes a Brat and a 6 pack, you might be from Wisconsin.
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Postby raptorman » Wed May 23, 2012 3:27 am

On the Balcony


The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out
"Matt is riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving"
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know that?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
If a 7 course meal includes a Brat and a 6 pack, you might be from Wisconsin.
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Postby raptorman » Fri Jun 29, 2012 2:56 am

One day Bubba was walking by Billy Bob's house and he heard music coming from the barn.

The door was open just enough when Bubba got to the barn that he could see inside, and what he saw confused the hell out of him.

There was Billy Bob dancing all provocative-like in front of his old John Deer. He was bumpin' and grindin' and makin these strange moaning sounds … kinda humpin a back tire every now and then.

Bubba was flabbergasted, so he ran into the barn and yelled over the music: “Billy Bob, have you lost yer mind?

Billy Bob was embarrassed, but he tried to explain himself to his friend as best he could.

Well, yasee, me and the mizzus was a-havin problems in our sex life, so she convinced me to go with her to one of them sex therapy Dr.s, and he told me that it was my fault that she didn't want no sex.

Then he told me if I wanted things to go better in the bedroom, I'd have to do something sexy to a tractor …
If a 7 course meal includes a Brat and a 6 pack, you might be from Wisconsin.
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Postby raptorman » Fri Sep 21, 2012 5:24 am

I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and driving. As you well know some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some shots.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did something I've never done before? I took a bus home.
Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint, but as it was a bus they waved it through.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!
If a 7 course meal includes a Brat and a 6 pack, you might be from Wisconsin.
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Postby raptorman » Tue Oct 16, 2012 1:36 am

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s President and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the banks underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 loan and interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The replies….”Were else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
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Postby raptorman » Tue Oct 16, 2012 2:02 am

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. ''Is this your husband?'' he nervously asks.
''No, silly,'' she replies, snuggling up to him.
''Your boyfriend, then?'' he continues.
''No, not at all,'' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
''Is it your dad or your brother?'' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
''No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'' she answers.
''Well, who in the hell is he, then?'' he demands.
She whispers in his ear ''That's me before the surgery.'' ....
If a 7 course meal includes a Brat and a 6 pack, you might be from Wisconsin.
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Re: Packer Joke Thread (For Raptorman)

Postby raptorman » Sat Jun 22, 2013 2:08 pm

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
If a 7 course meal includes a Brat and a 6 pack, you might be from Wisconsin.
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Re: Packer Joke Thread (For Raptorman)

Postby raptorman » Sun Jul 21, 2013 7:54 am

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming.

Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'








Long Pause









Longer Pause









Even Longer Pause








Then Daddy says,








'Swimming pool? ...........








Is this 486-5731?'











No, I think you have the wrong number ...
If a 7 course meal includes a Brat and a 6 pack, you might be from Wisconsin.
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Re: Packer Joke Thread (For Raptorman)

Postby RingoCStarrQB » Wed Jul 24, 2013 12:45 am

What is the difference between CHEESEHEAD and NO HEAD?
THE PACK WILL BE BACK
'There are football fans and there are Packer fans' 1-13-2002
'Green Bay, I hope you're proud of us because we're proud of you' 1-12-1997
'Well then run it, and then let's get the hell out of here' 12-31-1967
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Re: Packer Joke Thread (For Raptorman)

Postby raptorman » Thu Jul 25, 2013 5:35 am

How do you keep a Packer fan in suspense?
If a 7 course meal includes a Brat and a 6 pack, you might be from Wisconsin.
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Re: Packer Joke Thread (For Raptorman)

Postby packfntk » Wed Aug 14, 2013 3:55 pm

raptorman wrote:How do you keep a Packer fan in suspense?


Ask them to predict what year the Vikings will win the Super Bowl? They will sit there with a puzzled look on their face and wait for 50 years with no answer....... waiting. :lol:
Image

Wisconsin Cheese is better than California Cheese.
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Re: Packer Joke Thread (For Raptorman)

Postby raptorman » Sat Aug 17, 2013 11:17 pm

packfntk wrote:
raptorman wrote:How do you keep a Packer fan in suspense?


Ask them to predict what year the Vikings will win the Super Bowl? They will sit there with a puzzled look on their face and wait for 50 years with no answer....... waiting. :lol:

I'll tell you tomorrow.
If a 7 course meal includes a Brat and a 6 pack, you might be from Wisconsin.
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Re: Packer Joke Thread (For Raptorman)

Postby get louder at lambeau » Mon Sep 02, 2013 1:18 am

raptorman wrote:
packfntk wrote:
raptorman wrote:How do you keep a Packer fan in suspense?


Ask them to predict what year the Vikings will win the Super Bowl? They will sit there with a puzzled look on their face and wait for 50 years with no answer....... waiting. :lol:

I'll tell you tomorrow.


I think this round goes to packfntk. And I'm not biased. :D
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Re: Packer Joke Thread (For Raptorman)

Postby raptorman » Fri Sep 13, 2013 4:04 pm

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
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Re: Packer Joke Thread (For Raptorman)

Postby Pugger » Thu Sep 19, 2013 7:16 pm

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